Monster

Every night hiding my every body part under my blankets at night no matter what the temperature. 

My mother was an Alcaholic, a sometimes mean sexual promiscuous alcaholic. Ever since I can remember writing to Santa to ask her to stop. I don’t have a sober memory of her.

She has lived 5 hours away since I was 12, the day I was admitted into the hospital for trying to commit suicide for the first time was the day my father damanded her brother pick her up. She would never move out on her own, she never wanted to leave. Which really gets me considering she had many open affairs with differant men all my childhood, why wouldn’t she hitch with them. Oh right, they were all married.

 There was only was one man she was involved with for a long time, they still talk I presume considering she knows everything about this town and she lives 5 hours away. He will be forever in the back of my head, I was home sick alot as a young kid, when my mom stayed home with me so would he. I don’t know if she even cared I seen them kiss all the time. Alcahol can be so nasty…. My father actually has to work with this man sometimes and even to this day I wonder how he does it, knowing everything he knows. 

I see this man all the time and I always wonder if his kids or his wife whom he is still with ever knew. Before I could barely bare the sight of him, wanting to attack like a wild animal. Until two years ago I seen him and watched him curl. I let the hate go and just thought to myself you’ll get what’s coming to you someday. 

Karma. 

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Norman Reedus

Death Stranding, my jaw dropped when I saw this beautiful trailer. I cannot wait for this game, mostly because of the  beautiful Norman Reedus who is naked in this trailer omg!!!! I just had to post this because I am super excited!! Anyone else??

Father’s Day

Happy father’s day dad. You are my biggest support, my back bone and literally the reason I am still alive and stable at the young age of 22. 

You have helped me overcome my demons, as I struggled with BPD, being diagnosed at age 17. We have been through many battle in the court system and the mental health montrositys that people say is a system, there is no system at all. You fought for me for so long, spent alot money on me, loved me even when I didn’t want to be loved. 

I am also sorry for all the hell I put you through all the nasty things I’ve said and done. 

I will be forever thankful for your support. You’ve taught me how to have tolerance, humour, bravery, to fight for what I believe in. As I spend this fathers day with you outside doing yard work and I couldn’t feel more blessed. 

I love you millions. 

Camelion. 

I want adventure.  I don’t know who I am anymore.  I need to figure out who I am without you. I’ve molded to your very being. Maybe we are just two differant people now, we both seem to have differant futures. It’s the constant questions about our past,our future and my identity that haunt me the most. I am I just scared of the time wasted, even thought I’ve grown. I love you dearly. But fear we are differant.  

Ive always been a camelion and adapted to situation, that’s one of the perks of being borderline is.  Lately I think the way Ive adapted to you, has lost me. I was introduced to you at such a fragile time, I thought you saved me. The goal was to keep myself from falling…

I am sure now that I’ve saved myself. 

Getting introduced to the essential life.

Let’s just say I was very very skeptical about the whole essential oil thing. I didn’t not believe that just an oil or two could help you sleep, remove your headache and help my enviromental allergies that I’ve been battling with my whole life.  It all started when a friend of mine starting getting into them and now she sells them, she knows everything there is to know.  After trying some samples I was hooked and now I use the allergy blend everyday and lavender to sleep. Although some of the things I learn are a little out there, I listen and try with an open mind.

I am excited to continue my journey.

Maybelle

The strength I have seen, continue to see and hear about Maybelle inspires me. Maybelle has the physical and emotional strength of no other person I have ever met. As she fights another battle, cancers a bitch.  

Maybelle has had the pleasure of knowing me since I was born, she talks of how small I was and of coarse cute. Besides working with my father for many years for newspaper in town, Maybelle is also my parents dear friend. She will always be a part of my family. 
The first thing that pops into my head at the mention of her name is the stories she tells me of my mother. Maybelle has so many positive and funny stories to tell about my mother. These stories are the reason I see my mother in a non alcaholic light at times, because i dont seem to recall many sober memories.All of those storiws even if there is a little darkness in one,there is often something to laugh about. I always look forward to listening to them, even if it’s the same one sometimes. 

The second thing that makes Maybelle so special is her get it done, hard work and fun attitude. She maybe be small in size, height and weight but she is a feisty little thing, isn’t afraid to tell you what’s what and isn’t afraid to get a little dirty. Maybelle is often so funny and can brighten many of my days. 

This battle that has brought you the biggest storm has made me dig into my past and constantly remind me how grateful I am to know you. You have beaten so many challenges in your life,you inspire me. 

I Thank her for all those stories, and more stories that I have yet to hear. She have never once said any bad things to me about my mother and that has told me alot about her. She is a great friend,someone I look up to.
Maybelle may you keep giving me strength to see the postive in my past. 

I love you. ❤