Flashlight with a crank

You’re mind will find yourself somewhere, somehow. 

The moment you realize you’re head is still in that dark and twisted place it likes to go to hide and fight the gaurdians that keep you breathing,for the last month. Maybe your surroundings won’t let you out, do you even know what it’s about?  Dig deep into that whole that binds you, figure out what hides you. Sometimes you don’t realize your so lost, you find yourself with the shovel, start filling in that hole. You don’t want to dig to deep,  risk of caving in someone will have to be your saviour again. 

You swore to yourself you never go to that place again, where you lose yourself and arnt found again. 

#pain #mentalillness #wakeup

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Little beings

I am an aunt, an aunt that will be there every day, every time you need anything.  

I look at the both of you as my eyes well up as you smile at me and mutter something that sounds like aunty, and I just get such a happy feeling. I wish I could just be in this moment forever. You two make me a better person, give me motivation and inspiration, I can’t wait to have my own one day, but right know I just want these moments.  

Watching you two learn one thing to the next is astounding. Through your struggles you have come so far.  You both always find away to laugh it off. Mr wildness and Ms sassness.

To the warrior, the fighter, the most supportive caring mom, my sister. You push me to better myself, seeing the strength you have. Always having such a positive outlook on everything little man has been through. I can see you in his eyes, he knows how much you love him and you mean everything to him. Sometimes he makes days, nights and weeks challenging but he’s got you and that’s all he needs. When he’s older he will realize all you have done for him, he will always appreciate the support and the love. You are his rock. 

Sometimes people just need to feel appriciated, the stength of there supporters, they need cheer leaders and team members. 

Music is for real. 

I am just tyring to keep it together because I could do worse and you could do better.  

I love this song. I love when you find a song you can relate to, you soul feels full. 

Fucked around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too, and
I’m always tired but never of you
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit
I put this real out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit
I type a text but then I nevermind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know
If u wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go

You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings

Time 

I am not the person I used to be when I am with you. I am a differant person,the last year with you. You used to build me up,  but now I build myself up,  up above you. I am not better then you, just differant some heights are differant then others.  Some wing spans only want to stretch so far.  Time is only making it harder.  

Are you holding me back? Or is that just my excuse, I’ve never been good when it comes to you.  I’ve never been good at making the right decisions, that’s why this one is so hard. Battling my brain to figure it out, love what is it? Is it enough, sitting beside the bigger picture.  My head and my heart tell me differant. 

I am hurting you, distants hurts but I guess I’ll never be able to change you. 

Mirror

You can do this!  As I stare at myself in the mirror this morning.  

Life has been rough, loss has been tough, school has been hard and relationships crumble. 

I’ve had to use my postive self talk so much this last week or two, tell myself over and over again life goes on. This pain will end,  relationships will mend. I need to put one foot in front of the other and press on. Oh how many times I wanted to throw in the towel. Only leaning on myself for support,  testing out my on shoulder for future reference and avoiding other people’s harsh judgements. All I need is me. 

If I cannot do this, no one can. 

Lean on! 

Thankful

I am thankful for many things, 

  • I am thankful for my health and the health of my family. 
  • I am thankful for my apartment and my fridge full of food. 
  • I am thankful my mental health is in a healthy state.
  • I am thankful I am able to do my school online. 
  • I am thankful for clean water. 
  • I am thankful to be alive.
  • I am thankful for my loving boyfriend. 
  • Thankful I can hear, see and walk. 
  • Thankful for many little things in life, rain,  music, clothes, and many more. 

Sickness 

You’re best isn’t good enough..

I close my eyes and imagine what it’s like to walk in your shoes. I want to know if you even realise the pain we feel, the heartache, the anger, the sadness,  the hopelessness and the betrayal. Do you feel the way our stomachs turn and crunch, weeks before we visit, talking to you,  mentioning your name. Do you hear the thoughts in our heads, telling us conflicting things like I hate you, why are we doing this, why do we try… 

We shouldn’t have to feel like this. We’ve felt like this our whole lives why do we let you make us feel like this again. Why do we let ourselves feel hope. 

You can’t get better, you don’t know how to. You can’t even see our point of view without blaming everyone else. Why is it that you feel the need to drag us in, drag us around and we have to spit ourselves out again. And again the ending always leaves us in the same spot, same sickness and the same BULLSHIT! 

#chilhood #sadness #mentalillness 

Little foot steps 

“Trying when I feel like flying.”

The struggle, the pain, the high amount of anxiety and tears do have an end. Sometimes it just comes with time.. 

  • Do more of what makes you happy 
  • Don’t be afraid to do a little R&R you don’t need to be busy all the tme.  
  • Breathe and be mindful.
  • Laugh, just laugh. 
  • Be aware of when you need a moment for yourself, instead of taking it out on others. 
  • Don’t compare your recovery to othe peoples recovery. 

Don’t beat yourself up, if you are not where you want to be at this given moment.